The Embodiment of Painful Experiences...Finding a way to make peace with trauma in your nervous system,

One week can change a lot...I have just returned from an adventure to Bali where I rediscovered the power and reputation of Kundalini energy...and ELIYAH's beautiful interpretation of the mysterious definition of Tantra.

Taken out of the original context, there is a huge misconception in the west that Tantra is only about sex...Why? because sex sells...Tantra actually evolved from an ancient Indian doctrine written between the 7th and 17th Century prescribing the necessary groundwork and rituals to weave the fabric of an authentic life.  "Tan"- means to stretch and "Tra": means the instrument of yourself. Tantra is the practice of getting to know the power within your whole self. To develop a healthy relationship between your inner masculine and inner feminine and relate it to the essence of your being in loving union, as "one".


I told myself, by the grace of God I am ready for change. I want to let love in, I want to learn and I want to transmute the patterns of my parents, my ancestors, my lineage.I was well aware that before I could relearn to love another, I had to learn to love myself.

I have been on my own for the past seven years as I could only relate to intimate relationships as something that caused pain. My parents bitter divorce had scarred me but these scars had hardened with the pain of my husbands motorbike accident, his paralysis and then sudden death in 2009. Watching my Godson/nephew's painful demise to Mitachondrial Disease and my mothers 3 aneurysms and a stroke within the last year...had made me fearful of deep living, loving connection as it just hurt so damn much...I didn't want to repeat these patterns of dysfunction. I needed to rest, regroup, revitalise and renew. Gain new insights to make meaning from the painful experiences of the last 9 year cycle of my life.

We unconsciously fear our own dark natures. We know there will be pain in their excavation and so sadly avoidance allows the inherent patterns of unhealthy reactions to continue. That is until we decide we are worthy, to follow the signs and the feedback from our environment that something needs to change. It is then that our teachers appear.

I sort to understand my own darkness and address the fear of having to relate to one more person in my life. I had never sort to be rescued...I instead chose to not be in my feminine, despite being an emotional person, I meditated so that I would not be vulnerable, so that I could be aware of my unhealthy inner dialogue and move beyond. However within I was extremely vulnerable to that critic that shouted in my thinking mind, to go faster, harder, stronger.

I am passionate about being a loving mum, stoic and strong. I had actually wondered why my desire to be united with another was non existent..My heart was open to be the best I could be but I had to be strong for my girls as well as myself. I didn't want one more person's feelings to manage as I had felt the deep repercussions of pushing down my own. I was innately aware that I carried a strong masculine shield. I just didn't know how to let it go. Yet I intuitively knew, you do not attract the fantasy you want, you attract that which you are yourself.

Pushing emotions down takes a lot of energy. Whilst I exercised and meditated, I had been to grief counselling and a psychologist, done numerous personal development courses, still I could not reach into the depths, that this pain had been buried. Being a single mum in this modern time, requires one to be the provider, the protector, the guardian. 

Little did I know that this was not only my strength but my shadow. My guardian is a relentless critic who who protects my Divine Feminine. My feminine had been deeply wounded. 

Deep inside of me buried under the unvoiced screams, was a frightened little girl still in shock.

Whilst I had circulated through the cycles of grief over the last seven years as an adult. I was in self preservation for the first four years determined to be the best I could be for my children who were only 5 and 7 years old at the time. I blamed myself, as I had sent my beautiful girls to wake their daddy up that fateful morning. They had found their father curled in a pool of blood congealed that had caked at the nose. I was working out on the exercise bike and sent my oldest daughter down to wake her father.

Silently I had pushed down the guilt and trauma of sending my daughters over and over to wake up their father that fateful morning. Why had I not protected them from this horrific vision?


"Mummy, Daddy won't wake up?"
​ bike determined to finish my morning 30minute regime before heading to work, I thoughtlessly sent my eledest downstairs again to wake her Dad. When my baby returned unsuccessfully, I sent down my five year old. 

"Mummy I can't wake Daddy up! His nose is all bloody"

When I finally got off autopilot and ran downstairs, I screamed all the way to the front door after seeing my husbands bloody head. 

This deep guttural scream surfaced again in some personal development work two years later. Only to be shut down by the facilitator. You see you can only hold space, for what you, yourself, have managed to transmute...so I very quickly learnt in order to be accepted, I needed to bury the pain and the trauma. Mentally I had found the gift in the situation but my pain had been consciously and subconsciously buried deep into my cellular core. I also felt deep shame at being unable to let the pain out and fear at what would happen when it did. It took me four years after my husband's death to feel the anger at these events.

This practitioner week allowed me to choose with awareness what I was willing to experience. The gift of my guardian was that she had the strength and courage to do something completely different to change state, to understand and to grow. However the guardian had to surrender, if my little girl was going to reveal the depths of trauma to be released,

This practitioner course helped me reconnect with my inner child who lovingly holds the purest essence of all I truly am. 

This practice is not a mental one, though it requires conscious commitment...it is a practice of movement, sound and breath. It is a practice that I am utilising day and night and it's done with total love for the endurance and stamina I have employed to move through unwanted and unexpected events.

In my experience of dealing with trauma, death and addiction we have become inanimate. We do not have any real tools to embody our experiences and prefer to numb our painful experiences of life.

Our numbing choices are vast and varied, from excessive screen time, consumption of sugar, food, alcohol, drugs, caffeine, retail therapy. These peak experiences delay the pain and bury it deeper.

I am consciously committed to become bitter not better. I am now even more empowered with the fire of kundalini in my belly and the gift of tantra in my practice in my self healing. This energy is powerful and pure. It works with both your masculine and feminine energy to release trauma, discover the gifts of your shadow and facilitates self nourishment in ways that nurture deeply the essence of your being.

It has inspired me to new heights to be of service and in love within the core of my being.

Please contact me should you wish to connect and find out more.
Namaste
​Sorelle